Reflections and Memories

So, I try not to spend a great deal of time thinking about or remembering the events leading up to or the time of Chris' death.  It's just not in my new "positive thinking" and "get-it-done" attitude.

However, I had dinner with my in-laws tonight, as we do most every Tuesday night...and while doing the dishes, my mother-in-law and I were discussing G.G.'s recent death and such and how different it was from Chris' death.  Sometime during the conversation, Kay asked me to clarify some things that she was unsure about from the day that Chris died.  During that conversation, I realized something that I hadn't thought of before:

Background Information:  Chris and I had been very busy the week and weekend before his death.  We had both had separate work and church meetings that night and since we had hardly seen each other or had much time to talk, we ended up staying up till midnight or later that night, just talking.  Chris hadn't been feeling well that day, but by the time we both got home, he thought he was feeling better.  We had a nice long chat about all kinds of things.  The kind of chat that best-friends have that just goes from one topic to another and continues even though it's late and well past bedtime.  The feel-good kind of chat that you love to have but don't have time for all that often.

I can't remember all that we talked about, but I specifically remember this:  Chris and I talked about my job and he commented that I didn't seem stressed, I was not tired and overwhelmed when I came home from work and he was so glad that I had taken a job that I loved and wasn't frustrated with every day.  We talked about the financial benefits of my new job and how we were so glad we had taken a step of faith and followed God's leading to this different (and risky) new adventure.

So, while talking with Kay tonight, I realized this:  it's as if Chris was making sure that I was going to be okay.  He was so relieved that I was happy, not stressed, financially stable, and had more time for family.  


I usually don't put much stock in people who talk about "knowing they were going to die" or things such as this.  But, I do know that it is not uncommon for a husband (or wife) to have prepared their spouse for new responsibilities or challenges right before they pass away.  Do I think Chris knew he was going to die? No way.  But, I do think that God was preparing both of us and that He was giving us a peace about what was about to happen.  Whatever it was, I know that Chris' death was in God's plan for our lives and He knew it was going to happen way back in May of 2002 when we started dating.  He knew it was going to happen when we got married in August 2003 and when we got pregnant and had Jackson in 2005, and when He let me get pregnant with Katie just 5 weeks before Chris died.  God knew, and he was preparing us that whole time.  And if God knew it was going to happen, He also knows what's ahead and what is in store for the little Johns family in the future.

And for all of that, I'm so thankful.